This morning I started doing longer meditations in hopes of releasing the stress from the accident. It started off with a bang. I had gotten very quiet and was somewhere between deep meditation and sleep. I wasn’t really asleep and I wasn’t it total stillness. I had what I would call a release or vision dream.
In the dream, my husband and I were living in a big house. Something had gotten into the house (like a critter) and my husband was yelling at me to help chase it out. I kept asking him what it was but he wouldn’t tell me. I said if I knew what I was looking for I could help better (was it a big animal or a tiny one?). He wouldn’t tell me. I asked repeatedly and he never answered me. Then he closed the door, like it was gone. I asked again what it was and he still didn’t say.
He started striding around the house saying it was a wreck and we had to clean it up. He walked over to a picture window and said, “Clean up that mess.” There was a huge pile of stuff in the driveway he wanted me to deal with. I didn’t want to clean it up then. I was starting to complain when the alarm I set to tell me my hour of meditation was done went off.
I realized that this was not an ordinary dream. Of course, my husband represented the authoritarian me. My husband is nothing like he was being in the dream. He is generally a very quiet and patient person, almost the opposite of the tyrant in my dream. I represented the part of me that has been feeling dominated by the tyrant. There is a part of me that is yearning to drop all the “have to’s.” Have to – clean house, go to work, work in the garden, do laundry, grocery shop, pay bills, etc., etc., etc. I have been feeling like I need to stop all this craziness and slow down. I need to focus on my creative work, connect with nature, meditate, do yoga. I need to be my authentic self. For the past fifteen years or so, since we moved to our current house, I’ve been becoming more and more the tyrant. Forcing myself (and even my husband at times) to conform to some unspoken, unwritten code of how we are supposed to be. However, I’ve been choosing a model that is totally out of sync with who I truly am. I’ve been trying to be “good enough” to be acceptable to society. To be like other families, even though I see their way of life as diminishing not expanding.
This programming has come from someplace deep within me and was so strong that it took me breaking my finger to finally face it. I realize that I have to change my life to reflect my authentic self. I’m not sure how that is going to happen or even what it is going to look like. I will just have to take it day-to-day and make sure that I’m checking in to see if the tyrant or my authentic self is in the driver’s seat.
I also need to figure out what the “critter” was and see if it really needed chasing. It seems to me that the tyrant was trying to shoo something away that might have been helpful, since he wouldn’t tell me what it was.
I think it is time for me to go back home, not to the brick and mortar one but to the one that dwells inside me and has been crying to be expressed for a very long time. Maybe you have a tyrant in your life, too. One that tells you to be something other than your authentic self. It might be worth taking a look to see who’s in the driver’s seat.